I Need Help

I know this isn't the purpose of this blog, but I need an outlet right now...

I left because I needed to attend my mothers funeral in Idaho. I spoke to my Father for the first time since I moved out of state. It was up until the viewing a healing experience for me. I was sitting in the first row next to Dad, speech ready. It was known my Mom would be passing for a while now, she'd been hospitalized for quite some time on all kinds of drugs. I stood up ready to give said speech, I won't lie I was on Iekordrin while giving it, but I know what I heard god damn it. Giggling, I was trying to give this speech and all I kept hearing from the back of the room was this, giggling. I stopped half way through, I couldn't give it anymore, not with that damn laughing happening. I looked up from my pre-prepared speech, and everyone was grave and somber, I know that now, but looking at them I could see every slight little curve in their faces toward a smile, every happy thought they had upset me. I burst out, screaming and crying, I felt they were disrespecting her, they were mocking my pain, making light of all this. Like it was a fucking joke. My Dad and Uncle pulled me off the mic and got me out of the room. I don't remember much after that, but they told me I was laughing and yelling about how it was all a 'sick fucked up joke." I don't know why I would say that, I really don't... It upsets me actually, to know that the last thing some of those people there saw of me was myself in a panicked daze, screaming at them, it was no way to give my mother a farewell. I feel like shit and spent yesterday drowning in beer. After my hangover subsided I got to thinking about it all, and somethings been digging at the back of my mind. That laughter I heard, it reminded me of a less intense laughter from my show, the only other time I've been on Iekordrin. I suspect something's up with that stuff, I'm going to show it to my doctor. I know it's doing something to me it's not supposed to, it's "side-effect free." As if...

-Max