Irrational

Nov 16

I...I don't know where to begin...

It's not real, the drug I mean, it's a vitamin mix and placebos, I knew then that something was wrong, well more wrong in this case. My mind was racing with all the possibilities. "What the hell could it all mean?" It was absurd...impossible, I told my doctor about the effects it was having on me, obviously he didn't believe they were from the Iekordrin, I didn't either at this point, but what else could it be from? I told him I don't take anything else, this includes illegal stuff. I also don't have any history of mental illness, I know what happened, and I know what I felt was from something else, it was from an external force, not something from my own head. I left the hospital shortly afterward, my doctor said that if I experience anything else to call the hospital or if I didn't feel comfortable with that, his personal phone number, not that it would matter at this point, I'm off the stuff, flushed my lasts bottle down the drain, so in theory, nothing else should happen, right?

Nov 20

I damn well heard it again, a snicker... I've been chilling at home letting whatever tainted stuff I took flush out of my system, but now,  I don't know what to think anymore now. That laughter, it's the same wheezy voice as before, it's unmistakable. Here let me set the scene... it's about Noon and I'm waking up (don't judge me) and I go make myself a bowl of Corn Flakes, I'm pouring the milk in and I hear it, clear as day from behind me, I spin around and like a hurricane whip milk everywhere, only to find NOTHING behind me. I don't believe in ghosts, but that, well I don't know how else to explain it.

Nov 23

I feel like calling my doctor. This whole situation is mentally draining me; like a leech on the back of my calf, I feel sapped for strength. I might go back up to Idaho again, see my Dad for Thanksgiving. I thankfully haven't heard the laughter again since that horrible experience with the cornflakes.

Nov 25

Taking a plane to Idaho to go see my family, hopefully I can make up for behavior at the funeral. I don't think I'll be shunned for what I did, most of my family are forgiving and sympathetic enough to understand I was in pain and not thinking clearly through the ordeal.

Nov 27

I've chosen not to go back home during the Black Friday boom and bustle tomorrow, and will be headed home Saturday, I had a good time today and I feel like I made up for myself. It was clear that they had already forgiven me, but I hadn't yet. Now I feel like I have. I feel better, much better actually, I think I'll pick up my pen on the plane ride home and see if I can't come up with anything clever to say about my fellow passengers.

Nov 29

I saw something. Something that can't be real, something...horrifying but so...ludicrous, this wasn't anything nature could produce, this was...I don't know what, but my skin crawls to think about it. Regardless, I need to write it down, I need to cement in my own mind what I saw.

I was walking home from a bar, to drunk to drive but not drunk enough to be unable to pose as somebody sober. I rounded a corner and it was right in front of me. This absurdly horrid abomination, I thought it was a man at first, but it wasn't long until saw what it really was...I saw a human figure, taller than myself and wearing a variety of brightly colored tattered rags, after I stood back and focused on what I was seeing, the inhuman details became clear. It had claws, I know how that sounds, it sounds like I'm insane, but I know what I saw, and I saw claws, massive, animistic, spear-like claws attached to arms that went down to it's knees. Then it leaned forward towards me, it's "face" coming out of the shadows. I use "" when I say face because of what I saw, It had no eyes or hair or ears I could make out. In fact it had one thing, and one thing only, a mouth, specifically a mouth that stretched the full length of it's blank visage. The lips cracked and bled as it opened up and smiled at me, showing rows of piranha like razor blades that no dentist would dare say pass as teeth. It took a step forward, and I took a step back. I felt like a deer caught in the head-lights of this thing. I didn't know how to react, or what to do. Silence surrounded us both, we stood there in the dark alleyway, with nothing but a distant street lamp illuminating the horror in front of me. That's when it broke our Mexican stand off. It snickered. I knew that voice the second I heard it, it was the same as before, and in that instant I remember the Halloween show, and I know now that it was there too, laughing so hard it had literally bust a gut open, rotting organs surrounded by a green pus like liquid polluting the floor. I wanted to scream at it the monster, I wanted to get angry, I wanted to fight it. What came next I can't understand and frankly I don't want to. I began to laugh, and I don't mean an awkward fear laugh to seem friendly and nonthreatening. I mean a real, honest, heartfelt chuckle came out of me, I can't explain why, but the longer I looked at this thing, the stronger the laughter got, and the more it snickered itself, like it was trying to contain laughter of it's own. I laughed more and more unable, to breathless to run away, it got so bad I couldn't breath at all, my body was forcing the air out before I had a chance to oxygenate. My vision went blurry, I thought I was going to die right then and there, everything went black.

Nov 30

I woke up this morning in my apartment, still wearing the clothes from the 29th. I don't understand what happened, I can't, no matter how much I want to it make any sense of the situation. I can't understand what I saw, why it appeared then, or why I laughed like I did. I've decided to upload the personal logs I've been keeping to the blog, what I saw...I don't think I'll live through seeing it again. I don't know how I did the first time. If I die, or worse, somebody, ANYBODY needs to read this, they need to know what I saw and that I'm not crazy...but then again, I did see that thing...I know I did, and maybe that means I am.

-Max

I Need Help

I know this isn't the purpose of this blog, but I need an outlet right now...

I left because I needed to attend my mothers funeral in Idaho. I spoke to my Father for the first time since I moved out of state. It was up until the viewing a healing experience for me. I was sitting in the first row next to Dad, speech ready. It was known my Mom would be passing for a while now, she'd been hospitalized for quite some time on all kinds of drugs. I stood up ready to give said speech, I won't lie I was on Iekordrin while giving it, but I know what I heard god damn it. Giggling, I was trying to give this speech and all I kept hearing from the back of the room was this, giggling. I stopped half way through, I couldn't give it anymore, not with that damn laughing happening. I looked up from my pre-prepared speech, and everyone was grave and somber, I know that now, but looking at them I could see every slight little curve in their faces toward a smile, every happy thought they had upset me. I burst out, screaming and crying, I felt they were disrespecting her, they were mocking my pain, making light of all this. Like it was a fucking joke. My Dad and Uncle pulled me off the mic and got me out of the room. I don't remember much after that, but they told me I was laughing and yelling about how it was all a 'sick fucked up joke." I don't know why I would say that, I really don't... It upsets me actually, to know that the last thing some of those people there saw of me was myself in a panicked daze, screaming at them, it was no way to give my mother a farewell. I feel like shit and spent yesterday drowning in beer. After my hangover subsided I got to thinking about it all, and somethings been digging at the back of my mind. That laughter I heard, it reminded me of a less intense laughter from my show, the only other time I've been on Iekordrin. I suspect something's up with that stuff, I'm going to show it to my doctor. I know it's doing something to me it's not supposed to, it's "side-effect free." As if...

-Max

Unforeseen Circumstances

I've been forced to cancel my next show and will be leaving Montana for a little while. I don't know when I'll play next, I feel pretty terrible to be honest. Wish me a pleasant trip, please, I need it.

-Max

Halloween Routine

I did in fact decide on using the overnight shipping on my Iekordrin.

I couldn't be happier.

This Halloween (or should I say Hella-ween) I went and preformed at a pub in the next town over. Some "All Hallow's eve" event, I don't really remember the details to well. I do remember taking 3 Iekordrin about an hour before my set, I felt great to be honest. I felt like, it's hard to describe actually, I wouldn't say "high" mainly because I felt so in control of my body, exactly like the product advertised. I was both relaxed, but completely focused, and happy as all hell, I'm sure I looked high. Anyway, I got on stage, and I don't know...I didn't follow my scripted material. I made everything up on the spot, the jokes just came to me, and from what I can recall, they were all, hilarious. I killed that room like I've never done before. I guess this stuff put me in the right state of mind. The people at the show were all in tears laughing, which brings up something I learned, don't mix Iekordrin and alcohol, the whole night is a blur to me, it's all bright colors and giggle fits in my head. I bring this up mainly because, as strange as it sounds, I can't remember any of the joke I told, and when I mean, any, I mean ANY of them, all I remember is going on stage and sounds coming out of my mouth. Well I also remember the laughter, specifically I remember this one guy in the back end of a 70 ft room busting a gut the whole show. I don't really remember what he looked like (like I said everything is kinda blurry), but I do remember that, ironically, I believe he was dressed as a clown, go figure. My god he was loud, I could very clearly hear him over everyone else, you know I honestly thought someone in the audience would bring it up how deafening he was, but I suppose it didn't bother them or they were too busy laughing. So all in all, things went fantastic, I made about $200 in tips and I've been asked to come back to that same pub next week! Believe you and me, I will absolutely be buying myself more Iekordrin.

-Max